I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
