I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
