I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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