I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
