Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
