I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
