can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize