fuck your aforementioned shoe
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
