wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
