i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
