I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
