Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
