He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
