At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
