I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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