I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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