the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize