You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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