Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
