I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
