I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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