She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
