I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
