I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
