he puts the penis in happiness.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
