How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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