Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize