Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
