I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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