I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
