I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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