Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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