Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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