Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
