Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
