Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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