I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
