the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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