Your tits are I can't wait for
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
