He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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