I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
