the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
