dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
