When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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