He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
