You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Girls should come with a carfax report
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
