oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
