It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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