dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
