I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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