just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
