My liver just broke up with me...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
