Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
